Have you ever noticed those times when everything is in synch, when you think something, feel something and next thing you know something is happening exactly in the same vein? When everything is in flow, like the Universe and you are One? Like a song that meets those emotions or thoughts, you read an article, a movie you feel led to see that has just the message you need at just the right time? No? Dare you to be aware ~ happens all the time for me ~ wild, freaky, and sometimes the most amazing gift to feel that connected …… and, sometimes just plain makes you say “seriously?”
One of those days when I went to see Felicia on Wednesday. We were having the most amazing conversation. The kind where not a word is spoken, yet volumes are shared. She can’t talk much right now ~ with the stroke/brain bleed, she can barely move. But she’s there, still the most gorgeous and radiant heart and soul that I have ever known……
Sometimes all I do is look at her, and this strange mix of heart joy and elation, to be in such pure communion without words to get in the way of the bond between our hearts and souls, yet tears come and go throughout, weaving like purple threads in a tapestry of love, friendship, survivorship that we have shared these past few years …….
We go deep, when it’s just she and I. Worlds traversed, back and forth, the here and now and talk of the hereafter. I asked how she felt ~ I could feel the depths of this journey, and her readiness to transition at some point. So much wear and tear on this body, this “shell” as she and her beautiful sister Irena call it.
And I asked, if she could choose, what would her next incarnation be? (I really love knowing how others view their journeys, their souls, and honoring that path, her mainly Taoist somewhat Buddhist beliefs hold this space ~ I’m open to it, there’s just times when something seems so very familiar though we can’t explain why…..)
And I said, after a bit, that I sensed her heart and soul so expansive, so clear and pure, that maybe her next evolution and incarnation would be something so vast as just the sky, the love that permeates us all, something magical and beautiful that we all will be able to touch, feel, experience ~ very few people in my life have truly lived their beliefs, walked their talk, as powerfully, gently, potently as she has….
I told her that, that she made a difference in so many ways, often just in her way of being ~ that made her smile…. the music still playing on her .mp3 player …. and then, the Cosmic DJ served up a big heap of “get your heart even more ready for what’s to come …..”
Wow, did I really need that put so blatantly? Maybe …. poignant, a beautiful song …. just like so many times before, when we met and talked about our diagnoses ~ when she went for that scan and was told it was back and in her brain ~ when she went for her brain gamma knife surgery (and Felicia and Joe, always with amazing senses of humor, took pictures of her with the whole contraption/helmet to secure her head for the surgery, and posted lyrics to David Bowie’s Space Oddity, because she looked like some space astronaut ) ~like the daily living of her days, going to “chemo for life” as she called it ~
Knocking on the doors of heaven so many times since 2005 ~ this time, the door is opening, wider and wider……
So I breathed more deeply, let more tears come ~ and the knowledge of a reality far larger than any one of us can know, meeting us in those places, like “I hear you, this may not change, but I hear you” kinds of feelings, the Cosmic DJ can rock, helping me know that there is more than I know, and just when I can wonder, something, a song, a touch of the wind on my cheek, a sign (literally sometimes, on the highway, an answer to a question….), helping me feel connected when the places in the heart and soul in grief can feel so alone ~
And then she had a moment of nausea from the chemo. Partly intuitive, partly just I know her so well, choose to tune to her when I’m there acutely ~ felt it, snapped to, what do you need? She didn’t say a word, but I felt it ~ got the bed down tilting her head lower, got a cold wet wash cloth (and people, when someone has nausea, or what’s called a “vaso-vagal response”, like I do when they try to do an IV and it doesn’t work, this is a really good way to help someone through nausea, and often circumvent drugs or more severe stomach distress, just FYI) ~ and she smiled, loving and gentle. And I said “you know, you can never hide what you need, I felt you needed something….”
And then, the next song on her .mp3 player, Oh, Cosmic DJ, you’re killin’ me here ~
We laughed at that, the craziness of the synchronicity, simple little things …. and I said “guess there can always be lightness even in the darkest times, a sense of light and play, huh?”
Cosmic DJ just kept spinning……
Lightness, passion in music that makes me move ~ just music that makes you feel ALIVE ~ oh, the juxtaposition ~ or is it? Can we be even more fully alive as we dance in honesty with all that is? Even with serious illness, future death and the dying process?
Love to hear your thoughts ~ allowing for more conscious awareness in your days, how do you notice the Cosmic DJ at play in your life?
And I’m going to see what songs and movies and brushes of wind and random sunshine and rain give me the next context, connection and meaning in my days ~ Cosmic DJ, play on ~ I’m listening…….
